With my family and friends in town for the weekend I decided to go shopping for my 1 week anniversary present. It was an easy pick after eating dinner to head to Target, one of my favorite large retail chains. Needless to say Target had accommodations for handicap people like me and I was able to take full advantage of them in order to enhance my shopping experience.
When I was shown my method of transportation around the store, I literally fell through the floor in awe (good rhymes, I know). I hopped on that bad boy with a great big smile, a smile that would soon fade, yet quickly return when I got over those low life, ignorant pr*cks. Unfortunately my wheels were parked right in the entrance/exit. This meant some people were going to have to wait as I backed out and journeyed into the store. Oh, f*ck me, this made some people a little bit UNN-HAppy, cry me a f*cking river, I am handicap, yes you need to wait a second while I figure out how to work this mamma jamma.
Apparently as my party and I were arriving to Target there was a 50% off sale at Golden Corral that only Target customers had heard of and were all piling out of the store with whatever they had in their carts and leaving at the exact same moment. And I also am going to assume that no one in the store, at the time of my arrival, had ever seen such a good looking and well built fella of my stature as a temporarily handicap. Yes - beautiful people get hurt too. Yes - we (beautiful people) do have bowel movements too.
For the 3 minutes it took to get this vehicle and myself to embark on my shopping extravaganza a crowd of twenty had paused to watch the driving unfold (good thing I am not someone of similar sex or heritage as Lucy Lui). Suddenly, as the beaming rays from twenty plus people staring at you, judging you, and just as a feeling of embarrassment and humiliation crept up I remembered that [breaks into song]: there's only two types of people in this world. Those that entertain, and those that observe.
Bang, smile came back. I love being special. :-)
Sure it only had one and half speeds but it was awesome. I had a horn that sounded like a fire alarm going off (made a few people flinch and a little boy cry back to mommy after he picked up the double barrel, bolt action nerf dart gun that I wanted and ended up buying).
You maybe thinking, jeez coach JR that thing looks pretty dangerous, how does it keep you and other handicap safe? Have no fear, I can assure you I was in very good hands during the target shopping experience. My mobile shopping cart unit (MSCU from here on out) was equipped with plenty of safety features. When going in reverse it made a similar sound as the horn did (yes parallel parking this thing was quite the show). Annoying- yes, worth it- definitely. All a temporary handicap needs is more psychological problems. Can you imagine running over a baby while reversing in the MSCU just because you went to past the moisturizing section too fast and the 2 for 1 KY sale only caught your eye when it was out of reach? I don't want to, and I didn't have to thanks to this safety measure.
The MSCU also came stock with two arm rests that folded down and acted like car doors keeping me secure when making those sharp turns. And when I say sharp turns, I mean this thing could turn on a dime, I was literally 2 inches from a glass vase when I looked back after a cute blonde with tight black spandex pants and curves to boot sashayed into the over-the-counter medication aisle : - /, when I quickly turned to the left without even making the vase shaking in my speed wake.
Sure reaching for things on the top shelves was hard, but everyone wants to help a handicap to feel good about themselves, remember. Looks like that blonde was going to come in handy;-). The MSCU had a shopping capacity of 120lbs, which at first I was concerned about but then I realized I did not need 120lbs worth of sh*t so I was going to be okay.
After touring the store with my new found ease of mobility(something I miss whilst being on crutches) and having picked out all the items that would conclude this shopping adventure, it was time to check out. And this was when I first learned that having a handicap pass wasn't just for parking, but for cutting lines as well (a gift I took out with me that evening and used on the hordes of women waiting in line for the bathroom with their friends, silly girls didn't know what hit them when I crutched over and the girls coming out held the door as I crutched in to do my business, oh well, f*ck them- most of them could use a little of not getting there way, anyway).
Unfortunately now that I had purchased all my sh*t I had to return the MSCU and hop back onto my to favorite metal sticks that normal people call crutches but we like to call them by more vulgar names because they aren't as nice as a wheel chair or MSCU or even MWU (figure it out). Whatever. Time for reality again. After parking the MSCU I was handed my crutches and out I go, leaving behind the red paradise, where for about thirty minutes, I was once again, an equal.
Sure this moment was a bit saddening, but remember, as John Milton once mentioned to me over a cup of coffee, "The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven." I think I will make heaven of this hell.
No comments:
Post a Comment